


Renovations

by notafraidofanythingreasonable



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 23:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8305034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notafraidofanythingreasonable/pseuds/notafraidofanythingreasonable
Summary: "For the first time in her life, that which doesn’t come easy to her sounds good and it is something she now desperately wants to know.. This was the beginning of many nights where Kalinda lays considering things, and Alicia Florrick.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Another piece found in a notebook. I do not recall exact episodes but this does deal with my imaginings from the series premiere until S02E17.

***

Kalinda will never claim to be a person governed by any great curiousity. She will never claim to have regrets. Afterall, what matter of truth lies behind a claim anyway?

***

Every time she looks at Alicia she is unable to understand why people are so quick to label her as a mystery and not Alicia Florrick. Kalinda’s life has been in a constant state of change and renovation for years. The consistency of this change should leave her as merely textbook. An open novel. Pulp fiction.

On the other hand, Alicia is the mystery. Possibly hers is one out of a handful of great mysteries. Her life has been through the ringer. Her family and herself were placed under the microscope of the media and every fiber of her moral code has been tested. Yet, while everyone chalks it up to an “Alicia” thing, Kalinda can’t help but be overwhelmed by her story, by the woman. Alicia Florrick’s life may have started off textbook, a fairytale even, but somewhere along the line it became a novel of great merit. 

Kalinda won’t tell anyone this but she’s a literature nerd. She never went to university but it wasn’t difficult to sneak into classes here and there at the University of Toronto; back then she loved the modernist, and now she loves the way Alicia has turned her existentialist angst upside-down.

When Kalinda thinks back to her earlier assumptions about Alicia Florrick, she realizes that she made the error that so many other woman do when they feel they would have been stronger, and that they would never have allowed themselves to be “so used” by their husbands like that. She made the mistake of only seeing a woman in Peter’s shadow, in a man’s shadow. She forgot what it meant to be a woman and how a woman’s struggles can seem so lonely sometimes. She forgot about the double standards even women place upon themselves. 

Now? She remembers her curiosity taking over the day she saw Alicia arrive at Stern, Lockhart & Gardner. She remembers their first meeting very well. 

***

It is easy to assert control and with control details never slip by; with control no one will ever question her motives. That is exactly what Kalinda did the first time Alicia saw her in her office and did a double-take to make sure she was in the right place. It was so easy to make this about defensiveness and work and self-preservation when all Kalinda really had was a nagging thought that she wanted to see Alicia Florrick fail, that she wanted to see Alicia fall apart under the stress of her own life and everyone else’s pathos. Kalinda had wanted to see a woman who didn’t deserve her remorse.

She began by saying. “Don’t worry, it’s yours…” She began by wanting to drop hints to Alicia. Well, she thought they were hints. She thought that if she just asserted that Alicia had what was rightfully hers her own conscience would be laid to rest; however as their first case together progressed, Kalinda found her self-assurance waning and her frustration and bewilderment surfacing. She took initiative at first, she finished Alicia’s sentences, she feigned indifference and while Alicia was on the phone with Grace, she listened on in disinterest. Kalinda was relieved she was not a woman obligated to anyone, to a family, to society.

At the end of that first case, that night Kalinda lays in bed and considers things. She would have been twelve years old the last time Alicia was in court. She can’t figure out why Alicia gave her her respect after a day on the receiving end of sarcasm and curtness. She can’t understand why Alicia offers to work harder still and wait for Kalinda to “tell her when she does something right”. Kalinda prides herself in her maturity and when she revealed her age to Alicia she had expected her to use it against her. Kalinda had been waiting, no, hoping for a confrontation which never came. The moment that Alicia took the first shot of tequila, because Kalinda made it sound “good”, and her own subsequent shot caused her to realize she hadn’t laughed like that in a long time. Correction, she hadn’t laughed so freely, without ulterior motive, and so impishly in a long time. Here in the dark she considers things she “doesn’t get”. For the first time in her life, that which doesn’t come easy to her sounds good and it is something she now desperately wants to know.

This was the beginning of many nights where Kalinda lays considering things, and Alicia Florrick.

***

As the months progress, the differences become clearer. Alicia does nothing out of obligation. What looked on the surface to be obligation was a type of morality and a type of loyalty that was innate; Alicia Florrick does nothing out of obligation. To be obligated would mean that she only maneuvers through life anchored off the shores of paradise. Yet, even given the tired expression she wears from time to time there is a hint of ferocity and Kalinda wonders if finding paradise can be as simple as having a family, as simple as coming home to someone. Though sometimes Alicia may stand there as if waiting for someone to give her something, anything, once she makes a promise, once she decides on a course of action, she is both loyal and tenacious. Make no mistake, her intensity is because of her passion for others, for life in all its complexities and its generalizations.

***

Eventually, these ponderings for clarity lead Kalinda to do stupid things, risky things, things her heart knows nothing about. She starts an experiment before she briefs herself on the procedure and her objective is as clear as mud; this doesn’t improve her clarity. Since her arrival in Chicago she has made deals and changes to her life to better suit her self-revelations, and usually just as quickly as she adopts one perspective she is just as quick to drop it, but this time perspective is a train hurling towards her. A few days after meeting Alicia Florrick, Kalinda meets Donna Seabrook for the first time. If Kalinda were into psychoanalyzing herself she’d admit that she somehow saw a much younger, more idealistic, Alicia there. If she were into psychoanalyzing herself she’d realize that she almost hopes that Donna will tell her what she’s looking for, that when Donna lies sleeping, in the dark, Kalinda allows herself to imagine she’s Alicia.

Then she fails. The hurling train makes impact and leaves. No amount of sex or tequila can save her. The perspective she has sought leaves Kalinda, a little broken, a little disturbed, in the wreckage of her mind. She doesn’t fail because Donna isn’t caring, idealistic, or giving but because she isn’t Alicia. The cruel thing about this is Kalinda’s utter belief in herself and how the world in which she has created is beginning to show signs of fatigue and fracture. She thinks that if she tries, if the person intrigues her enough to warrant it, she will be able to find out everything there is to know about them. Like she explains to Cary, people are often motivated by one thing be it love, sex, anger. Yet, she has to wonder now: what are her motivations and how is she going to figure others out when she does not have the answers for herself anymore? And so, Kalinda begins to admit to herself she’s used Donna as a way to figure out what piece in her life she may be missing. In the back of her mind she starts to admit to herself that she’s searching for normalcy. She’s searching and hoping to find someone whom she can be truly loyal to. 

***

Lana is the first one to mention it. Kalinda’s FBI big shot is Kalinda’s fall back plan when things begin to sour between Donna and her. They already have a history together and Kalinda has gotten bad at being alone at night. The terrain is the same. The flirtation is easy and Lana has never asked anything more from her. At first, Lana thinks it’s because Kalinda is in love with her. She thinks Kalinda has come back for her because she’s who Kalinda has wanted all along, and she revels in it. Then again, straight off the bat Lana notices the sex lacks its old ruthlessness and confidence. Right away Lana feels that she is not in bed with the same woman. The same lover hasn’t returned to her. The voice is the same. The enigmatic eyes are the same, but Kalinda is making love to her for the first time and she stays past the early indications of morning. Strong arms hold Lana until it is she who must leave the bed first. It is when Kalinda drops off the map for days, or weeks, or months each time afterwards that Lana lets herself believe that Kalinda really is in love with her because the silence, the over reaction, has always been Kalinda’s tell. Kalinda’s withdrawal from mindless pleasure is her tell and Lana nearly lets herself believe it. 

When Lana realizes that she’s wrong and that she isn’t the person Kalinda’s in love with she is a little devastated and she doesn’t return Kalinda’s calls; it isn’t until Kalinda surprises her at work casually asking for assistance with a case and Lana’s retort that “hey, people change” leaves them both standing there, a little lost, a little awkward, and with a sadness behind their smiles. Kalinda knows it’s directed at her. As she’s gazing down at the hate letter from the Christian Coalition for Bioethics Lana’s words strike her. For the last few months Kalinda has let herself want to return to Lana’s arms sooner than later but she’s retrained herself because Lana reminds her more of what she does not yet have. Against her nature, and against her better judgment, Kalinda feels guilt. 

So it stays there. Lana’s called Kalinda on her change, and now she knows better; it’s there hanging in the air. Seeing the moment for what it is worth, and in regaining her equilibrium after this reunion and never one to turn away from a challenge, Lana takes mercy on her. After a moment of silence she drops another hint and walks off. Confidence and not her previously feigned indifference is in her step. Kalinda witnesses this and wishes she could take mercy on herself. They begin talking once again when Lana calls that evening, and this time, because Kalinda doesn’t want another woman to substitute for Alicia, she doesn’t let herself mix work with pleasure. She doesn’t want work to get anywhere closer to her personal life than it has already gotten.

***

Now, as she stands alone in the parkade with Blake Calamar’s words echoing in her mind. She realizes there is a wetness on her cheeks and once again she realizes that it is because of Alicia Florrick that she is crying so freely, without ulterior motive, and even then it has been a long time. A long time indeed since she has feared so much for something she so desperately wants.


End file.
